Put on your life jackets, there are rough waters ahead.
Last week a former college friend of mine sent me an online message apologizing for the way she used to treat me. I was surprised to hear from her; to my relief we had parted ways about 4 years ago and haven't spoken since. What's most interesting though is that this isn't the first time someone from my past has reached out to me to make up for their actions. A few years ago I was invited to a Christmas party hosted by the parents of a guy who had teased me as a child, then kissed me in high school and denied to the entire marching band that such a thing ever happened. Being some of the only young adults at that Christmas party he and I spent most of the evening together and near the end of the night he surprised me with his apology. There have been apologies from a few others as well.
I am grateful these people are taking the time and effort to apologize whether or not they end up being a part of my life in the future.
Receiving these apologies do make me wonder; what it is about me that makes people treat me so poorly to begin with? Why have I often been the outcast or the easy target? Just this week I walked into work to hear a coworker talking negatively about me to the other employees loud enough that the entire store could hear (He only apologized because he turned around and realized that I had walked in and heard him as well). What did I ever do to him?
It's because of negative experiences like these that I feel like I constantly have my guard up. I expect friends to suddenly decide that I'm not important enough to be in their lives anymore, so I end up not investing enough time and effort to forge deeper relationships. I also wonder if this may cross over into dating relationships as well. My last roommate recently tried to pay me a compliment after I had broken up with the guy I had been dating by telling me I was really strong; that I'm used to being alone and chose to break up rather than continue in a relationship just because it was available to me. Though she didn't mean it to, her words made me feel as though the choice I had put a lot of thought into was made merely to protect myself from getting hurt by hurting someone else first. It reminded me of that Gilmore Girls episode where Emily compares her marriage to paddling a canoe and then compares Lorelai and her lack of long term relationships to being in a kayak; she's so used to being on her own she doesn't need another person to paddle with her.
So tell me, have I officially hit kayak status? Or am I pushing others out of my canoe?
I don't think you push people out of your canoe, but it is harder to let them get in in the first place when so many have been disappointments in the past. You're definitely not kayak status - look at how many friends you have!
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