Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Thursday, August 4, 2011


There are some things/choices that have been on my mind lately, and I'm not quite sure what to do about them. It seems like no choice is exactly right; either because I won't be happy with one outcome or another, or people close to me won't be happy with one outcome or another, and I don't want to let them down (I don't know if that makes much sense, but I feel like explaining more would be divulging a little too much personal information in a public setting). I know I can't make all my decisions based on what other people think - and trust me, I don't, but these are the types of decisions that would affect others enough that I should consider them in this decision making process.

I'm in the middle of reading a book right now that caught me by surprise when it described almost exactly how I'm feeling in regards to my indecision. While the examples of choices laid out for the protagonist of the book are not the same as the choices I'm facing, the general idea is the same:

"I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story.

"From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out.

"I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet."

I feel stuck, very unsure of what to do, and frustrated because my usual sources of input/advice don't seem to be working. I just don't know what to do!