I created a circus. I created a circus with a partner and it got booked at the LA County Fair - a fair that often takes acts several years to get in to - before we ever performed a show. We perform 3 to 4 shows a day, 5 days a week, for 23 days over 5 weeks, totaling 84 performances. We passed the halfway point of our run on Saturday the 13th, while performing outside in 100+ degree weather. These are all things to be proud of! We have and are accomplishing something great.
Several times now within the last few weeks I have become an emotional mess of a human being (mostly in private), but couldn't put a finger on exactly why I keep having these breakdowns. Maybe it's the heat, I thought, and the long hours, and the driving 40 miles each way to the fairgrounds, and being the leader all the time, directing people where to be and what to do, and trying hard to be a good example by not complaining about the heat, and the long hours, and the driving while everyone else is. While all of these could contribute I don't believe they are the main source of my problem. It's vulnerability.
In the past I have held jobs that were pretty basic. Positions that were very plug-and-play; nothing that required me to put myself out there in a creative sense to be watched and judged by 2 million people. But this show - it's my baby. It's not just my routine and how well I perform each day that reflects on me, it's every single performer, every single routine, every potential success or mistake, it's all mine. I'm putting my creative and managerial talent all out there at one of the biggest fairs in the United States and hoping that it's enough. Enough to draw in and entertain a crowd, enough to be rehired by the fair, enough to get further work from other fairs, corporate, and private events, enough to interest performers in our vision and future work opportunities. It's a lot. And it's scary as hell.