Ranting Regret

Sometimes I just want to rant. I get the urge to make a list of everything that bugs me, or that has recently made me angry, and at times I want to take that rant to an audience - i.e. this blog. But then I remember I'm not 2 and don't need to throw public tantrums that can result in hurting others' feelings.

I let myself slip a little recently. I let a post on facebook get to me; I took it as a direct insult to my experiences and where I'm at in life, and kind of lost my mind. I responded and I wasn't nice. I then walked away from my computer for several hours trying to tell myself I was justified in responding the way I did.

Guys, that kind of behavior is never justified.

I flipped out over something that I really should have ignored, or better yet, something that I should have taken the time to understand better by putting myself in their shoes. I went back to my computer and pulled up my comment and deleted it. No one had responded. To be honest, I don't know if it was seen by anyone at all. But even if it wasn't seen that doesn't make up for what I felt and how I acted.

Talk about a major #GrownUpFail.

All the Insomnia

My body doesn't like sleeping this week. Well, that's not exactly true, because when I go back to bed around 7am after I get back from teaching seminary I fall asleep quickly and can't drag myself out of my covers again until somewhere between 10am and noon. But trying to fall asleep at a normal evening hour is next to impossible. I lay down, get comfortable, and  then my eyes just pop open and refuse to give up their vigil. My mind thinks about things I haven't thought of in years, or of things that just aren't important in the middle of the night. When I do eventually sleep I dream.

My dreams are vivid. I've kept a dream journal off and on just to remember how crazy some of the adventures are, or to keep track of the way they made me feel. I also go though times where I have bad or incredibly scary dreams; they seem to come for a week or two at a time before leaving me in peace again. I don't write these dreams in my journal. Most of the time I don't think that dreams mean anything, but occasionally they carry some weight. A couple of dreams I had foreshadowed the end of a job. Another told me I needed to serve a mission for my church.

These insomnia dreams I've been having recently kind of have a feel of their own. They're not bad dreams, but they're not necessarily good ones either. They are still vivid, but perplexing. I find my dream self often confused and unable to respond to situations in ways that would make sense. They bother me, and have woken me up several times because of them already. It's getting to the point where I don't know if trying to fall asleep is worth the energy- I fight my body to sleep, and then it fights to wake me up again just a few hours later. One dream last night was so bizarre (and quite a bit disturbing) that I woke up with my mouth salivating the way it does right before I toss my cookies. I had to grab the water bottle by my bed and take a few drinks before I felt I had things under control.

I really hope this wave of insomnia goes away soon and takes it's crazy dreams with it- I'm tired!