Surviving "Fridays"

My bad sleep pattern has continued throughout the week. It didn't help that I checked out new books to read from the library, started a new puzzle, and attempted to binge watch everything on my Netflix queue that was on their March 1st removal list. I may or may not have tried participating in all 3 activities at once.

Last night I was looking for some additional material for my part of the Relief Society (women's organization) lesson I helped teach in church today. I got started later in the evening after attending a friend's game night and didn't think it would take me long to find the type of information I wanted; I had the basics of my lesson but wanted to add a personal touch - a story or thought that would make the subject of the lesson resonate a little better. During my search I pulled a thick binder from my bookshelf full of letters that I received during the 16 months I lived in Uruguay while serving a full-time mission for my church. I started flipping through the pages scanning here and there, and quickly found what I was looking for. I jotted down my notes, connected my disjointed thoughts on the paper by drawing arrows between paragraphs and underlining certain points I wanted to make sure I highlighted, and felt content that I had enough bullet points to complete my task the next day.

The binder was still sitting open on my bed and I continued to look through its pages. I quickly noticed from the beginning that the vast majority of letters I had received from friends and family all included happy messages meant to lift me up; they talked about how they knew I would be a great missionary and that they knew I'd have a lot of success, and how they knew that I would return feeling blessed and happy at the end of it all. They knew. Or maybe that's just what you say to someone who suddenly moves away from everything familiar to them for a year and a half, and you expect them to probably encounter a few difficulties along the way. A few words of encouragement. They sounded so sure that I would come home with nothing but love for the country and people I served, and a few handfuls of nothing-but-awesome experiences. I wish they had been right.

I then came upon the letter I received about six months after I had arrived in the country that flipped my entire experience upside down. I remember the day I opened it after our weekly planning meeting. I remember my vision fading to shades of black and white and tunneling in as I read what was written, stumbling backward until my knees hit a bench and buckled, collapsing me onto its seat and quite possibly saving me from a concussion had I hit the ground. I'm not ready to talk about the exact contents of the letter or the details of what had happened in such a public place, but I remember feeling like everything I had been working for was a waste. I felt my efforts were hurting rather than helping people find joy and happiness. I struggled with those thoughts, doubts, and guilt for the remainder of my time abroad; I have struggled with them since I have been home. Over time I have slowly gained some understanding and some peace about the situation, but that's not to say those feelings and thoughts are completely gone. They occasionally resurface, and rereading the letter last night sent me back through a wave of those emotions.

I couldn't bring myself to get through many more letters after that; I was now both physically and emotionally wiped out. However, one last letter from a friend serving a mission in Cambodia caught my eye as I cleared the binder off of my bed. He referenced a talk given by an apostle of our church; one which I had heard before, but couldn't quite remember it's take away. I pulled it up on my computer and read through its message, and was amazed by the timing in which the letter had been sent to me. My friend knew nothing of my current situation; letters we wrote to each other took over a month to reach their destination. I'm pretty sure the message helped in the moment, and it was a great reminder for me last night as well. My favorite part:

"Each of us will have our own Fridays - those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays.

"But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death - Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come.

"No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come."

-Joseph B. Wirthlin

Life gets tough at times. Reading letters at 3:30am that bring up bad memories doesn't help. Hang in there, take things one step at a time and we'll get through our "Fridays." Even if it doesn't seem like it right now.

Un-Alarming

Nearly every day of my adult life requires me to wake up with the use of an alarm. Waking up with an alarm is normal for me; I even tend to use an alarm on a day off to make sure I still get up and do something productive. The only time I find an alarm annoying is when I fail to get a minimum of 6 hours of sleep - my body seems to function semi-normally as long as I get 6 hours a night, but it really wants 8 or 9 hours if possible.

Remember how I said I was subbing classes for another instructor? I was originally supposed to sub for about two and a half weeks, but just wrapped things up this week after subbing for four weeks! I definitely loved having the extra work and seeing my students more often, yet my body is ready for a break!

Tomorrow I have nothing on my calendar until 8pm. I can't tell you how excited I am to snuggle up in my bed tonight! And I will NOT be setting an alarm for tomorrow.

The Magic Castle

On Tuesday night I had the opportunity to go to the Magic Castle! This was my second time visiting the castle; and it's not the cheapest night out. The Magic Castle is a private magic club in Hollywood; housed in a Victorian style mansion. In order to attend you have to have an invitation from a member of the club, pay for valet parking and a cover charge at the door, and on top of that you must meet their strict dress code guidelines or they will turn you away. Magic is serious business! My friends Mike, Blaine, Tess and I had been given an invitation from a magician member last month at a circus meet up, and were excited for the opportunity, though Tess ended up not being able to attend.

Our final group consisted of 6 people; Blaine, a catcher in the flying trapeze world and aerial performer, his girlfriend Leia who is also an aerialist, my business partner Mike and his date (her name is escaping me right now), and myself with my friend/date Chris (not in the circus world at all). We arrived early and entered the castle for our dinner reservations, whispering a magic word to an owl on the bookshelf to reveal the secret door. Once everyone had met each other's dates we sat down in the lounge to listen to invisible Irma (a ghost) play the piano. If you ever get a chance to visit with Irma be sure to ask her what the scariest song she knows is - it cracked us up!

When our time to dine arrived we headed upstairs to the restaurant. Everyone visiting the castle is required to make dinner reservations and order an entree, and they start around $35/plate. With the main course, a few appetizers, and desserts to share, and gratuity included, our bill for 6 people was just over $400! We did know what we were getting into and splurged a little anyway - we were already there, why not enjoy the experience?

Wandering the castle after dinner was the best part of the night. Because we went during the week the castle wasn't very crowded and we could easily get in to see various performances. We saw shows in three different rooms, such as the Parlor of Prestidigitation (say that 5 times fast!), and the Close-Up Gallery, a tiny room that seated about 25 people, where the usher had me sit at the front table next to the performing magician! Because of my viewpoint I could figure out some of the illusions that were being done, but there were many I could not! A few other magicians performed in little alcoves along the hallway as well, and a couple of them even offered us their business cards with an invitation for us to come to the castle again in the future.

It was a fun night filled with good food and entertainment, and it was even more satisfying to have everyone in our group just enjoy each other's company, even though walking into the evening some people didn't know each other well, or at all. The conversation between everyone never once felt awkward or forced; a perk of growing up I guess?

Chris, me, Blaine, and Leia outside of the castle at the end of the night (photos aren't allowed inside); Mike and his date left later.

Happy Tired

It's only 4:30pm on Saturday and my eyes are drooping and my head is starting to do that bob to keep it from dropping as I start to doze.

I'm a week and a half through my subbing duties at work, and let me tell you - I'm exhausted! Not to mention I let myself fall in to a bad sleeping patten this week, and I feel as though I could say goodnight right now and sleep the whole night through. Hopefully blogging and grocery shopping will help me fight off the zzzz's so I can go to bed at a more normal time tonight and reset my internal clock.

To recount a little of my week I drove hundreds of miles, taught 11 classes, trained with a friend on hoop, and took a flexibility class. It's a lot (physically), but I am happy. Happy to be working, happy to be training, and happy that something I love is providing my income. Even more, I'm happy to see my students progressing, getting stronger, and recognizing the improvement in their own abilities. It's rewarding to see the direct results of my efforts. I'm one lucky gal to be able to follow my dreams.

Little Blessings

Working as an aerial instructor is not the same as a 40 hour per week office job. Obviously, I don't work in an office and I definitely don't work 40 hours a week! In fact, I don't think I've ever met an aerial instructor that teaches 40 hours a week - besides the job being physially demanding, studios typically want to offer a variety of classes and instructors that fit the many different needs of their students.

Right now I have a rather light teaching schedule of 5 classes per week between two studios, totaling 5 hours and 15 minutes of teaching time. Even though I get paid competitive wages for my classes, 5 hours a week is not quite enough work to afford any sort of California lifestyle (hello, rent!). Because of the need to pay my bills I often pick up side jobs: foreign language tutoring, house sitting, dog sitting, kid sitting, floral set ups...you get the picture. As it is, there are some months where I worry that I won't be able to pay all my bills on time.

This month was starting to look like one of those worrisome months; I had even put off grocery shopping and was making do with what I have in the cupboard to save money.

!!Side note!! 
I'm not starving by any means, I just can't splurge. I try to stock a few extra supplies in the pantry during the more profitable months for occasions such as this one. I'm good. Honest.

A few days ago I was very happy and grateful to be asked by one studio owner to sub a LOT of classes for another instructor when she goes out of town later this month. I didn't take every class I was offered (I turned down the Sunday classes to attend church), but I am doubling my weekly workload for nearly three weeks! I'll be doing a bit more running around between studio locations, but I am totally jazzed that the studio owner reached out to me first.

Worrisome month? Gone. Someone is totally watching out for me.